Oh, I do get weary.
Yes, even 33 year olds get weary.
And you can ask anyone who sees me on a regular basis, I, indeed, wear the same old shaggy (and wrinkled) dress, etc. day-in and day-out.
I also tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, even if I do cover it up often with a shawl of sulky silence. And it is when I am silently sulking, which I’ve most recently observed between the time of my previous post and this one, that I am charged by my higher self to try a little tenderness…toward whomever I’m blaming for ushering me into my sullen state.
At 33, I’m old enough – and dare I write, wise enough – to know that any emotion I feel is my choice to feel it. No matter the stimulus (however shitty said stimulus may be), my reaction is mine alone. I can blame whoever and whatever I want for making me feel the way I do, but as an 88 proof Taurean who knows that nobody and nothing can make me do shit, I am, then, compelled to point the finger of blame for my feelings of disdain at the woman in the mirror. Even still, even with her, I am pointing less and pondering more.
As a rule (or an observation, or a figment of my fallacious philosophy), we forgive others as easily as we forgive ourselves. As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve traveled a long and winding road to forgive myself for my flaws. Hell, it’s been a trip just acknowledging them in the first place. So, you can imagine the toll that others have had to pay for the wrong turns they’ve made while on my warpath.
“Maybe it’s because I find it hard to forgive the follies and vices of others, or their offenses against me. My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever.” – Fitzwilliam Darcy
I thought I loved Elizabeth Bennett because I resembled her so. But, perhaps, the real reason that I love Lizzy is because I, more so, resemble Mr. Darcy.
Whether or not you know who the abovementioned people are (and whether or not you care), you and I must take care to remind ourselves – often – that forgiveness and tenderness must start with us before we can extend them to those we feel have wronged us. We can only give what we have.
If I have mercy on me, then I will have mercy on you. If have love for myself, then I will have love for you.
This formula may seem wrong in a world that tells us that others must, first, earn our mercy and love, and, then, make no mistakes in order to maintain them. But trust me, I know what I’m writing about. I am a wise 33 year old, remember?
Old enough to know better.
Young enough to not have yet mastered my knowledge.
Alas (last time).
Therefore, I will continue to try a little (more) tenderness.
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