A change of heart.

(Image via eBay)
(Image via eBay)

“I’m a traditional person. I want a long-term life-partner. I…I just need an escape.”

This was my response to a friend last week regarding the idea of marriage, or more specifically, my idea of marriage. From my use of the word “escape” – and I do mean escape – I think it’s safe to say that my idea of marriage is, well, complicated. (And by the looks of the recent Ashley Madison hack, there appears to be plenty of other people whose ideas of marriage are experiencing complications as well.)

My complicated view of marriage, however, does not involve deceit; rather, it’s based on honesty. That is to say that I, honestly, cannot see myself married. Then again, that’s not entirely true. (Damn, so much for no deceit.) What I mean is that I can – and do – fantasize about being married, but I cannot – and do not – fathom it. Sometimes, I can’t even stomach it.

Is this a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare…or a case of the shits?

“You see, I don’t have a problem dreaming about the groom; it’s the husband that I have nightmares about. Unlike liquor stores and churches, healthy and happy marriages don’t exist on every corner. And having hardly any sightings of such a rare species over the course of my 31 years – outside of textbooks and wives’ tales – I began to question whether healthy and happy marriages, like the Dodo Bird, ever existed at all.”

This is a snippet from a post that I wrote last year titled, “Marriage on My Mind.” And though my age has changed, my mind has not. Then again… (Damned deceit!)

Here’s the thing: Venus – the planet, not the tennis playerrules my sun and moon signs. And as someone who accepts the rules of astrology – at least, much of the time – I have also finally accepted that I cannot out-maneuver the romantic inclinations that I have which Venus symbolizes. Romantic inclinations, such as to…one day…years from now…years and years from now…in a galaxy far, far away…(gulp)…marry.

“Ahhhhhhhhhhh!”

I literally just screamed. I wonder if George Clooney screamed when he realized that he wanted to marry again? (I know I did. What about me, George?!) Despite him not giving two cents about ‘us,’ I am somewhat happy and encouraged at the sight of my fellow Venus-ruled cohort giving love and marriage another try. But George and Amal’s wedded bliss aside, my desire to “escape” from marriage is still front and center.

See, I told you this was complicated.

Or maybe it isn’t. Essentially, I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want a long-term life-partner who will walk with me, in the same direction and at the same pace as me, and I also want – often – to walk alone. I want to do me and do him. (Pun intended.) I want…I want…

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

~Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

I want this.

Copyright © 2014-2016 Stephanie Rochelle Redd. All rights reserved.

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